Lanie (Distraction)

Lanie (Distraction)

As We Lay

I wake up staring at the ceiling I end up here more than I would like

Regaining consciousness as the room is spinning after a long night

One eye swollen shut so I don’t have full use of my sight

All I wanted was a good time and all you wanted was a fight

I’m used to waking in puddles of blood so deep I could drown

And sometimes I would scream so loud and long my lungs stopped producing sound

I would confide in others but they would ask me what did I do

The blame was always on me, never on you

Don’t make him mad, you know he always has to have his way

My life depended on me to leave but in my last puddle of blood is where I lay

Letter 1

I remember a time when I was 15, my parents were well off, so I was used to getting things. I knew to be expecting a car. It was the week of my sweet 16. I had a BIG party scheduled and the day before my party everything in my life changed.....

As my dad was driving off the lot with my car, somebody hit him, killing him instantly. They had ran a light and was going well above the limit. I wasn't the same after that day. I canceled my party, I rarely left the house, I even considered home schooling. I was traumatized.

To this day I won't accept cars as a birthday gift. I just felt the life I knew was over. Nothing was the same. Not even a year later, my mom met someone and had moved him in by the next Christmas. He was a real fucking leech too. He stayed trying to little girl me simply because my dad was dead. He was mistaken though.

See the reason Im still alive today is because I had an angel with me. Renzo Paltone, he was my distraction from the bullshit. Renzo got so deep in my mom's boyfriend shit, he was afraid to tell my mom. He ain't last past that day either.

Renzo was my everything and he gave me everything. My relationship with my mom changed, she started being home less and less. I started living with Renzo, because my relationship with my mom got worse. My mom killed herself that following year. Even with Renzo, there was a loneliness I couldn’t explain.

I started being numb, Renzo began to resent the woman I had become. We broke up and he ended up with a round the way bitch that went to my school . I just kept living, didn’t even blink . It hurt Renzo to see me falling deeper down the hole, so far down he couldn’t even save me.

I kept falling right into the arms of K-Money, the neighborhood hot boy. That relationship made me realize 2 things.

1. I wasn’t numb.

2. I WAS alone.

That man took me through more shit than I could imagine, I gave up.

But in the midst of me giving up I heard a voice say , “You will not be defeated”. It kept repeating so much so I believed it. What I thought was my last puddle of blood, it became water for my rebirth. I picked myself up at my darkest moment.

Today I am married to Renzo. We have 5 beautiful children and 2 more on the way, TWINS !!

If you are struggling with loss or loneliness, I encourage you to do 3 things.

1. Find a hobby to pour into (It will be a representation of time)(The more time put in the more you get out)

2. Build a Strong Support System (Nothing happens Overnight, Bonds must be Built)

3. Always pray for better days (Prayer got me through my darkest hours)

Loss never goes away but it does get better to handle. Life will fill you with so many more things in its place for you to hold onto. My oldest looks just like my mother and my youngest my father. Never fill voids always fill positions. Everyone has a role to play, just make sure you’re in a position to play yours.

Signed A Woman Reborn

Peace and Love

XOXO

Lotus

#Wisewednesday #lanie #distraction #lovewins #hardtimescreatethebestpeople