Tables Have Turned
I had a rough labor with MJ, I just knew I wasn’t going to make it, all the blood I lost. I’m still thankful for him and his support system but after I had the baby things changed. He was gone more, and we communicated less. Our sleep schedules never quite matched up. I was so fed up with his lack of attention that I hired a babysitter and came to the studio to bring him lunch. You know, spend some time one on one. Well I get to the office and who do I see leaving ? Evelyn nonetheless, with a rock on her finger big enough to blind the room. She makes eye contact, smirks and proceeds to kiss Matt.
“See you at home honey, hope you have a great rest of the day….Oh look it’s Faith, where’s our little guy, I was hoping I would see him soon.”
The look of horror on Matt’s face when he turned around matched my look of surprise.
“Honey ? So all the excuses of being busy were just that. You just wanted the baby ? You could have said that. I’m not your babysitter, I’m not your sex toy, Im not your wait at home girl either. You know what… Take your lunch.”
I threw that shit all over the both of they ass and left.
He blew up my phone ? So did I. Blew that bitch right out the window. I got my son, packed up our stuff while he napped and we was gone before he could make arrangements at work to leave.
I went to the hood because I knew his ass wouldn’t be caught there.
I got me a phone, exchanged some clothes with some nice people, got strapped, and got outta there. I may not know much, but I know how to disappear when need be. In this moment I think of my mom. We spent so much of my childhood moving from house to house. That pastor she was so in love with that is labeled my father, put his wife before us of course so I never had birthday parties or even a stable place to stay. Whenever his wife would see me she would make him move us further away. At first it was with his family members and he was so cheap he would just give them drugs sometimes to watch me.
My mother got tired of it being like that and cut him off. That’s when all hell broke loose. He made our lives hell from that point. See my mom got tired of them treating me like an animal, she didn’t care what they did or said to her.
I was mad at her for so long and in this moment I broke. I cried for so long silently, the sound of the baby startled me. But it made me get my shit together and get us a room for the night.
I love the fact that people think I’m bougie and stuck up because I’m damaged. For this reason you could never find me in the same place twice, I won’t do anything that would put me back in mental hell either.
I finally felt as trapped as my mother did with me and I broke because I never will get to tell her that I needed her. I never got to memorize her voice or her smell or her favorite foods.
The rejection of my father and his family was something I would never forget and Matt just sent me right through what he promised he wouldn’t.
I lost my only family running because that’s all we knew how, but she stopped running for love.
I knew what I had to do in that moment, the thing that kept me running away all this time. SANTANA !
His words rang in my head… “Try life without me first, I left my number some place only you’ll look. It’ll be there when you need me.”
I went straight to my favorite place, bookstore.
I pushed MJ’s stroller right over to the section we sit in and I open up one of my most read books, I go to the page number and right there at the bottom of the page was a folded piece of lined paper.
It read, “I knew you would find this, like only I knew you could. True love never dies. Ever. I was watching him too, he ain’t the one….. 873 768 4326.”
I smile
I sit down at the table and contemplate if I should call or not but I decide to take a chance.
It rang twice and his booming voice came on.
“Hello.”
I froze. I couldn’t even speak.
“Adrena ?”
My eyes grew wide but I still couldn’t speak.
“Are you safe ?”
I smile, he’s still worried about my safety.
“Yes.”
That’s all I could build up the courage to say.
“Where are you ? Do you need me ?”
I look around for a second before I decide to tell him.
“I’ll be there in 40 mins, don’t move.”
As time goes by I grew more nervous the last time I saw his face I was terrified. This time I’m ready to let the chips fall where they may.
I look up just in time to see him making his entrance. He still has that ora that just demands attention when he steps in a room. I watch the women especially point and whisper as he made his way back to me.
“The fact that this is still your favorite bookstore let’s me know I know you all too well, ever since we were kids”.
I never told anyone but I later on found out why I was so drawn to Santana our first meeting. Santana was like a magnet to saving my ass and was good at it. Our time together has always been amazing but his honesty definitely was brutal at times. So was his mercy.
“I’ve been feeling nostalgic I guess, or lost. Or both. I thought I had my life planned out and each time, my plans get changed. I have a child with nowhere to go and I’m not sure where I want to go. I can’t help the fact that you were the only man I loved. You have so many pieces of me that I feel I never got myself back after that day at the wedding. It was something about the way you were definitely coming to kill but I hated to admit the joy I felt. The missing piece this whole time has been you.”
I take a deep breath and look into his eyes. I can still just get lost in them. I hope he doesn’t think I’m expecting anything other than closure. I don’t want to come off as needy but after I gave myself to him, his voice carried me through everything. Every time he gave me permission to live my life, I felt like I couldn’t get it right.
“I know exactly how you feel, I mirror your feelings. It drove me crazy to see you with niggas that would never amount to me. The things I did to keep you safe, they would never do. The way you look at me pass my physical and embrace who I am in my entirety is why I can’t stay away. I’ve tried…to let you live your life, so many times over. But, I always end up finding where you are, convincing myself you need me. I knew you always did, too prideful to ask for help. Especially mine love.”
I look away taking in what he says and he’s right. My heart didn’t miss a beat when he was around and when he wasn’t…it didn’t beat the same.
“So what does that mean for us ? I mean I wanna work on being friends but with our history that’s going to be hard for us both. Are you dating ? Did you start a family ? Do you still travel ? Are you even saying we should be together ?”
He interjects by putting his hand up, “ Yes to all your questions if that makes sense. You know life is complicated so we just gotta see how things go once I start introducing you to my new lifestyle. I’m still rough around the edges remember that. You gotta baby now, things different so we gon have to move different. You know I ain’t trying to hurt you but that’s why I gotta stay away at times but I know where your head be at so it’s best to keep it cordial.”
I smile, I figured he would say something like that. That means we on the same page and I have even more joy in my heart.
“I know some people that can get you a job and safe place for yal.”
I smile, “That’s okay. I think just having this convo was what I needed, cleared a lot of head space for me. I have your number now, I’ll call on a need to know basis.”
Like that I got up and felt so much better, I finally stopped running from my fears and realized they wasn’t as bad as I thought. The real thing I was running from was myself. Everybody assumed that I was always the dark cloud in their lives but they were in their own way and holding me down with their believes on life. Now that I found myself again I promised myself I would NEVER lose this feeling for a single soul again.
See I kept letting people use me until I had nothing left to give back to myself. That does nothing but let the wrong people come in and fill you with them. A lot of people don’t even have that to give so over time they start giving away the best in others.
I had enough though and that day I pushed Mj’s stroller into our new life and never looked back……..
Comentarios